Pillar of Fire
I am.
The pillar of fire; the That which is and all men fear to be.
I am.
From the depths of the Universe,
All that there is.
Bring me. Feel me. See me.
I am the fear that is in me.
I am power.
I am force.
I am all that is held.
Be me.
I have been that pillar of fire.
I have laid my hand upon men as they look into death.
I have compelled.
I have driven.
I have been and will always be.
To shake a mans heart at the touch of brow, to compel, to fear; to fear and be compelled.
Strike down! Man!
Strike down.
I have been that inferno, that despair, that treachery.
That within. That without that is within. Within me, be me.
For every guide there is a told, for every told there is a lie. To lie and to tell the truth. Lie, and tell the truth!
Red coats dance at the gates over a fire of golden hues (he) dances to the monks and tells the lie that is upon their tattered pates. An event. A plate. To treat, to divine.
All went through their hearts, it is my treason they wish upon hearts of those men when I touch their brow.
The Abraxas Epic Part IV – The Symbol
So earlier I mentioned the symbol and orignially when we were discussing this on EM, I had figured no one would be interested in it…and possibly no one is…but I believe the relation of how this came about…although very long…and will probably carry to subsequent parts…has some value to some people out there.
It started a while ago when I was pretty young. I used to see this…erm…being. I am not very sure now if it was in dreams or if I was awake when I saw it the first few times but it always presented itself very benignly and the fact that it didn’t have a face really didn’t seem to put me off. I was a child then and looking back on it I would think a child would be scared of a thing with no face…but apparently not. I sort of assumed this thing was watching over me and started calling it the watcher. My watcher.
When I was about 13 I had a birthday party and some girls were sleeping over. One brought a talking board. First experience I had ever had with one. After they left I decided to make one (talking board) with a shot glass and a piece of paper and started using it for divination almost every night. It was all very fun and very silly-girl stuff until one night I was up in my room and the glass started swirling around and around. It had done that when we used it as a group but had not done that when I was alone. I was curious. So…playing a game, right. I asked it who I was and it spelled out “U R MAGI”…I didn’t know what that word meant at the time. So then I asked it, who it was and it spelled out “JYXD”. So…I didn’t know what that meant either, of course it was just a letter jumble. So then I asked it who it was really and it said, “I AM WHO WATCHES YOU.” Which then totally freaked me out and I didn’t use a board for a few years after that.
Hindsight and experience tell me that that statement isn’t necessarily something to get all freaked about. I mean it could be referencing a guardian angel and etc. But at the time I was plagued with nightmares and kept seeing the shadow of a man in my window on the second story of the house right before I would go to sleep. And of course my family didn’t believe me so..you know, big freak out. But that is how it is sometimes.
Shortly after that I read all I could get my hands on about religion and occultism. Which wasn’t much compared to what is out and about today. My search was to find out what was going on with me. Why I kept experiencing things that everyone else said they couldn’t see…why this thing called me a magi (looked it up) and what JYXD could mean.
When I was about 16 I was minding my own business home alone on a Saturday afternoon and went into the bathroom. When I came out it was standing in front of me. The thing I had come to call the watcher. I had not seen it or “seen” it for a long time, as with the talking board scare I tried to put all that and seeing things out of my mind so I could be “normal” and stop angering my parents. So it was more than surprising to see it right there. And I still cannot tell you if I saw it in my head, if it was physically there, if it was a “spirit” or what. All I can say is the thing I kept seeing when I was little in what I expect were dreams was standing in my kitchen. About 7 or 8 feet tall. Still without a face, still represented in the same garb as when I was small. What happened? First I got all goosepimply and then I said hello…not sure if that was spoken or not…and then it appeared to poke it’s finger into my forehead and I heard (from somewhere) “I am JYXD”. And then it was gone.
My reaction first was WTF was that and should I go back into the bathroom…in case I suddenly peed. Silly but it was my first thought. I didn’t really know what to make of it. Except that it supposedly was the thing I “talked” to on the board a few years earlier. At the time I tried to find correlations with guardian angels and other spirits but found nothing that really fit. Still haven’t so much…seems there are some things similar but not quite.
When I got into Hermetics when I was 18, things really got rolling with the watcher/JYXD. On a regular basis he appeared in visions and dreams and my astral practices. Although I’m not very good at astral practices even now. Nothing of significance really happened. He has not appeared again in what seems a physical form…and never said anything until several years later (2007…we’ll get to that).
But back to Abraxas and the symbol. The symbol that this entity (Abraxas) referred to as “the symbol closest to you” would be the sigil I ended up making in 2006 for JYXD. I had made this sigil with the idea that I was going to conjure him up to speak with him as I had found out I could channel a bit. Or seemed so anyway. Thing was that I made the sigil and put it in a box and basically forgot about it until this experience. So I got the sigil out and went on a week long Google to see if anything was remotely similar. And that is when I found the Chi Rho. It was extremely similar to my JYXD sigil and funnily enough, extremely similar to the symbol they use/used to depict Abraxas.
I have had dozens and dozens of strange/odd/beautiful/mysterious/scary experiences in my life. I have heard car crashes in my head only to find out someone I know was in one a day or two later. I have had “demonic voices” plague me during workings, I have had experiences with Undines that have lead me to places and information that I would never have seen/known otherwise. Meditations to where it is as if I can hear people have conversations in other places…and find out it was correct. It takes a lot anymore to really impress me (in the way of my own experience). And this, somehow did. My first reaction was…you mean all this time there might be an explanation? And I get the idea that there is…but there isn’t. Meaning there is an explanation but it is individual not universal. Although you never know…but probably not likely.
License to Depart – Necessary?
An interesting conversation sparked up on my Facebook this morning and I thought it important enough to touch on it and also relate some of my experiences. As this site is mainly about my experiences it helps give me a little more content and puts into context some of my relations here.
David Rankine made a note this morning about the necessity of the License to Depart when within a traditional grimoire paradigm. And I find that correct within the traditional paradigm. It makes sense. When you are practicing ritual you are in effect, opening a gateway or you could say putting yourself into direct contact with whatever “stuff” is out there that can be reached, in the vein of energy/entity/spirit/etc. So it makes sense that if you open a door you should then shut it. If your paradigm goes upon the idea that there are actual entites/beings/creatures that you summon up and invite them in…and if those beings are considered “good”, “indifferent”, “happy”, “evil”, “mischevious” or “malicious” then it, again, makes good sense when you are done to say…alright, I invited you in now I am going to tell you to leave.
He also touched on something I find very important. And that is you do not ask. There is no, “please asmodeus, leave if you would like.” It’s more like, “I’m done with this conversation now, so get the hell out.” Possibly not that rude but the idea is that you don’t ASK, you are a magician, a director and conduit of magic (whatever you percieve that magic to be). As a director you are in charge of your mind, body, spirit and surroundings.
In any case my response was yes but also that I am not convinced that a license to depart is necessary in all instances all of the time. To be sure, if a novice or beginner or dabbler is garbing up to do ritual, decides to conjure up Amy (Goetia) and doesn’t put some sort of limit to their request/demand/requirements and also does not do something that closes the direct connection (leaving only an indirect connection), any amount of things can occur that have nastiness written all over it.
In Joseph Lisiewski’s book Ceremonial Magic and the Power of Evocation he mentions personal experiences of things like toilets exploding, knocks on walls, things shaking, lights flickering during an operation. I am of the opinion that in these cases not issuing a license to depart is a bit idiotic. Obviously something very strong is going on and intends for you to break down and not finish…which in the magical world we are in means they get let loose…upon you. You could say haunted in a way. After all you were the one that called them up.
I have been in situations where I have issued a license to depart. I end up doing operations for people. Not often but I have done it…and in that respect because I like to bring in elements of the other person’s belief system so that 1) They are more in tune with the ritual and 2) It seems to make sense to try to work within their paradigm as it relates to mine…in my experience the results seem better.
In any case one such operation I did do was one of very few experiences where I did feel there was a struggle between what I was working on getting rid of and myself. Things did keep happening to try to break me out of what I was doing, to break my focus/concentration. Those things were voices, physical sensations, knocks on walls and blinding lights while my eyes were closed. For this operation the goal was to actually get rid of something in the first place and I’ll be the first to say it really didn’t want to go..but finally did. I very much did do a license to depart…a few of them and other things.
You will see that I have started to relate my experiences with something that exposed itself as Abraxas to me. When I first did the conjuration of Ghob and “he” (self described Abraxas) showed up…and after my initial conversation, I did close the ceremony/ritual, however I did not do a license to depart. My reasoning on that was not that it seemed like a benign spirit/entity/manifestation…it just seemed not needed. And I think you get this instinct the more you practice.
I think that the more balanced you are emotionally/mentally/physically/spiritually/magically that issuing a departation may not be necessary all of the time. However, I still suggest people new to the Art do so when invoking/evoking entities.
Someone a little bit ago in the conversation on Facebook also posted something I agree with as being lacking. They mentioned attending rituals/operations where people don’t even bother doing a closing, they just sort of wander out of the circle…or worse (I think) saying something like “leave if it is your will”. That I disagree with wholeheartedly. But the whole thing of just sort of disintigrating a magical operation by trailing off without a closing doesn’t seem right and doesn’t seem very wise. I happen to delineate closing a ceremony with a license to depart. In a sense it is like when a person of Christian faith prays to God. They pray and then after they say Amen. Amen is basically the closing of the operation. But they aren’t all like, “Dear God (conjuration), please help me get through today and protect me and my loved ones.(request) Amen.(closing) Because thou hast-diligently answered unto my, demands, and hast been very ready and willing to come at my call, I do here license thee to depart unto thy proper place; without causing harm or danger unto man or beast. ”
Although…really…traditional grimoire peeps use God and angels typically for protection as their companion in controlling spirits that are not of God…and this and such. Which I have lots of opinions on anyway…and find it most interesting. To me God and angels are yet another entity to conjure as are the Goetia and etc. So..is Amen God’s license to depart or as I originally see it, simply a closing…an end to a request…a thanks…verily,verily…truly…sincerely. Amen is I’m sure another topic for another post. 
Don’t get me wrong though, I do not mean to bag on anyone’s beliefs. Everyone is free to believe what they would like. I just work from a different way I guess.
The Abraxas Epic Part III
To be sure, this contact with “Abraxas” has been extremely significant to me in many ways. Not simply the way it all just showed up…but just about everything imparted so far …has been exactly what I have been looking/working/waiting for. Which, while it is not unusual…it’s just not so typical for me. Nto unusual because it has happened before…but atypical because there is just so damned much of it. And it seems to correlate/relate to things I have been through my entire life. For a while I had thought that this was my HGA (or something similar), I am not throwing the idea out, however, the HGA being something that is subjective and not having a specific or “hard” definition I may never really know for sure unless I just decide it is so.
I have had feelings of being watched by..erm..the “powdered man” at work and at home several times, especially when reading occult and religious related materials. Which…I know makes me sound carried away with it…but things have been interesting to say the least since the contact.
Martialis wrote (on Evocationmagic.com):From your post Magiwen it seems that a simple call might suffice for your own working as the entity seems to have come of its own volition. Also the fact that it showed up of its own volition and showing a particular affinity with yourself, Magiwen, may signify the direction your work might take (or not, cause it’s kinda fishy that Abraxas just showed up)
Right. At work last one evening I had a slow period and used my pendulum a little bit about this. Sometimes I am not sure why I even use it, I mean, I still have a bit of skepticism of the answers I get and I been using the thing for over ten years. I asked simple stuff. Was the Abraxas that showed up a part of myself? No. Has this Abraxas ever been a living human? No (ruling out spirits of my ancestors was the intention there). Is this manifestation of Abraxas something I projected? No. Is this the Abraxas of lore also known as Mithra and other higher deities? Yes.
Realizing this is not necessarily that reliable….if it is all a manifestation of my subconscious it’s fully there ready to fool me…and in that case I still think it is important even if it is all my own subconscious or superunconscious’ doing. The fact that I am seeing the “powdered man” in waking states and now for several nights in a row dragged into astral situations that seem related, tells me that no matter if it was contact with an external Abraxas energy or my own manifestation, that I have stuff to work on.
I think you are right in expressing caution for others. I may not actually be dealing with an Abraxas anyone may evoke. What would be very interesting though is if someone did manage to do it and recieved information from it that I have so far withheld from my relating of events (and probably will continue to withhold) THAT would lean my experience more toward the external at that point, I think.
Quote:
“Martialis wrote:(especially since he said that bit about ‘the symbol closest to you’)?”
Right. That in itself is a story..about how it became something of a personal symbol for me, though the historical meaning is not the full meaning it has to myself. I don’t mind sharing that but the story would probably be way too long and boring…and generally meaningless to anyone else. The symbol turns out to be a chi rho with an additional ‘anchor’ and a circle around it and also additional lines and letters. Something interesting other than it is a personal symbol of mine is that in pre-christian days a variation of it was attributed to solar deities. I do not remember before this experience ever reading of Abraxas. (more about the symbol and my history with it in upcoming Part IV)
I must have at some point at least seen the name though. Firstly it is in a lot of texts in one form or another, so I easily could have stored it away in memory and subconscious. But that is not a definite thing either. The information I got from the experience has basically been confirmed for the most part in what I have found so far about the name itself. Though there is more yet I still need to find.
Anyway, it will be fun and hopefully ‘enlightening’ doing the searches and having the experiences.
EDIT: Got carried away in my explanations and forgot an important correlation…the REASON the symbol thing is significant is that if you look at early forms of the Abraxas talismans or “abraxas stones” the symbol on a lot of them, if you break it down into simple lines instead of figures, greatly resembles my version of the chi rho…that is close and important to me because of some other things that have happened in the past.
The Abraxas Epic Part II – The Experience
After the extremely brief history, I’ll move onto the experience.
A new journey for me started last August. To be sure the journey started long ago, it may be more apt to say that yet another leg on the trip was instigated. Something interesting happened and there are some people who have been asking me what came of it, as I have been being quite tight-lipped about it.
This whole thing is within a much larger picture of my life so while most of this is of no significance to anyone or anything but myself, it is my hope it will inspire others to start or keep going on their personal path or within their system.
Back in August 2008, as a part of another forum (EM), I participated in a “group” evocation of the elemental king Ghob. This was not a working to be done all at the same time although that would have been ideal..but schedules did not allow that. So we had decided to evoke the same being within the same period and simply report results. I, as often is the case, was the odd magician out.
I did do an evocation of Ghob, and actually did it much like many others that participated. However, what I got was not Ghob. What I got was something that identified itself as Abraxas. I will quickly go through a summary of the experience.
I performed pre-ritual cleansing as usual, set up, as usual, started the evocation, as usual. My “setup” for this evocation was a personalized version of what some refer to as the LBRP, candles of specific colors and opium incense.
Then, very much NOT usual, I had a figure outside my circle. When I concentrated on this figure I got an image of a monkish looking person…a man in a robe that wasn’t white but wasn’t dark, he was bald and was covered in white powder. He stood in front of a long wooden counter or sort of worktable and was with his back to me going over something. He seemed to be reading and had a pen and was writing in something on the table (possibly in a book or on a paper). This is very much NOT like any elemental experience I have had so I knew at this moment something was amiss.
I had a short conversation with this and he/it identified itself as Abraxas. At the time the name was familiar however I couldn’t think of who/what it meant. So I asked and basically got the answer that I would remember one day. Whatever that meant.
Since August I have seen the powdered man several times, there have been several “conversations” which I will get to in subsequent posts. We also mulled over meanings and who/what Abraxas was and wasn’t on the forum.
In a preliminary search on Google for white powder + ritual… these are some of the things I found:
A site covering some African tribe(s) in Zambia had this to say:
To approach any of these spirits one has to visit the “Ampemba”, the white powder-smearing site at “Chizabingo”. This is 7 kilometres south of Sun Hotels. The ritual warriors and those taking part in the Lwiindi Ceremony smear white powder known as “mpemba”. The white powder symbolizes purity of the performers as they come in the presence of the spirits.
This struck me as funny…not about the powder…but I have two friends…both of which are with people from Zambia.
This quote is from some site trying to sell “white powder gold” so I am not too sure of how reliable this one is but anyway:
King Solomon was very well known as an alchemist and a magician being involved in ritual magic. He too had the knowledge of making White Powder Gold. (alchemy)
Though I so far don’t remember the grimoires talking about powdering oneself..but then again…I haven’t read all of them either.
From Wiki on Rituals of the Ayyavazhi
The people of Ayyavazhi wore a vertical white mark on the forehead in the shape of a flame, starting from the central point between the eyebrows, going straight up near the top edge of the forehead.
The flame shape represents Aanma Jyothi or Atman. Which in turn means that, Atman is considered sacred and as the name of God. Zealous devotees smeared it on the exterior of the upper arms and over the chest. This white mark was unlike the one worn by a Hindu of Vaishnavism tradition who wore it on the forehead in the shape of ‘U’, or of Saivism tradition who wore it horizontally as three parallel lines. The white powder used for this mark was made from coarse white soil, found at lower layer of the earth.
Interesting.. then suddenly I’m reading about ORMUS water…so that ended that search.
Bluefirephoenix (on Evocationmagic.com) wrote: Since the name comes from a Greek exorcism rite maybe we should look at Greek mythology for answers
My reply:
Good Point. So far I have only come up with this as what seems like the closest “official” etymology of ‘abraxas’ = Grecised form of Ha-Brachah = “The Blessing”
Vrischika wrote (on Evocationmagic.com):Of course evoking something as pompous as him is like evoking EHNB or something, way over my present “status” as a magician, but as you said it’s too tempting to avoid so if we choose him I’m in.
My reply:
Huh. I never got the impression the entity was pompous. Funny you say that. Either way seems like from what I have found abraxas and EHNB could be one in the same (cept this pompous part – not sure where that comes from), or at the very least they may be functioning from the same “zone” or energetic source.
The Abraxas Epic -Part I
I performed an evocation of Ghob several months ago as a sort of experiment with some of the folks over at www.evocationmagic.com …and got Abraxas instead. This is the relation of the experience along with some of what I posted on that forum regarding historical references and some other etc. Most of Part I here are some historical references…more of the experiences will come later in MANY parts. I think I have over thirty pages written so far…it is seemingly a neverending epic.
Ancient mythologists placed Abraxas among the Egyptian gods. Abraxas was also the Persian sun god, and in Syria he was a form of Iao (aspect or name for Yahveh, Yahweh, or Jehovah). It is said that the name was created to replace the unmentionable name of the Supreme Being.
Abraxas is known from the Gnostic writings of Simon Magus, father of the Gnostics and Basilides of Egypt.
The Gnostics, a sect of the 2nd century, claimed Abraxas as their supreme god, and said that Jesus Christ was only a phantom sent to earth by him. They believed that his name contained great mysteries, as it was composed of the seven Greek letters that formed the number 365, which is also number of days in a year. Abraxas, they thought, had under his command 365 gods, to whom they attributed 365 virtues, one for each day.
From the Tertullian:
‘Afterwards broke out the heretic Basilides. He affirms that there is a supreme Deity, by name Abraxas, by whom was created Mind, which in Greek he calls Nous; that thence sprang the Word; that of Him issued Providence, Virtue, and Wisdom; that out of these subsequently were made Principalities, powers, and Angels; that there ensued infinite issues and processions of angels; that by these angels 365 heavens were formed, and the world, in honor of Abraxas, whose name, if computed, has in itself this number. Now, among the last of the angels, those who made this world, he places the God of the Jews latest, that is, the God of the Law and of the Prophets, whom he denies to be a God, but affirms to be an angel.
To Him, he says, was allotted the seed of Abraham, and accordingly he it was who transferred the sons of Israel from the land of Egypt into the land of Canaan; affirming him to be turbulent above the other angels, and accordingly given to the frequent arousing of seditions and wars, yes, and the shedding of human blood. Christ, moreover, he affirms to have been sent, not by this maker of the world, but by the above-named Abraxas; and to have come in a phantasm, and been destitute of the substance of flesh: that it was not He who suffered among the Jews, but that Simon was crucified in His stead: whence, again, there must be no believing on him who was crucified, lest one confess to having believed on Simon. Martyrdoms, he says, are not to be endured.
The resurrection of the flesh he strenuously impugns, affirming that salvation has not been promised to bodies.
What I find most interesting so far is this…
The Basilideans. Basilides claimed to have been taught his doctrines by Glaucus, a disciple of St Peter. The sect had three grades – material, intellectual and spiritual.
From the Wiki:
The fundamental theme of the Basilidian speculation is the question concerning the origin of evil and how to overcome it. The answer is given entirely in the forms of Oriental gnosis, evidently influenced by Parseeism. There are two principles, untreated and self-existent, light and darkness, originally separated and without knowledge of each other. At the head of the “kingdom of light” stands “the uncreated, unnamable God.” From him divine life unfolds in successive steps. Seven such revelations form the first ogdoad[1], from which issued the rest of the spirit-world, till three hundred and sixty-five spirit-realms had originated. These are comprised under the mystic name Abrasax, whose numerical value answers to the number of the heavens and days.
MagiAwen Goes To Church Part III (Final)
After everything and hugs to all the children I walked home to wait until later for the fellowship gathering and lunch. I started down the alley to home and was very quiet inside to all of the things I had thought and seen while at the funeral….in a way that I have not felt in a long time. I remember having felt this way for several years, when I was also alone and without distraction…when I lived how I wanted and needed to and not how I was simply expected to. It seems so long ago that I was in that place; I had almost not recognized it. It is good to be finding this place again.
As I neared home a familiar figure came to me, walking toward me like he used to back then. At once I was struck with love and grief at the same time. I blinked several times to make sure I wasn’t making it up. He was there alright, like my mind projecting him onto a screen, walking toward me like always. He never walks away, this time he was closer than I have ever seen him. He is the man I have been mourning my entire life. I don’t know who he is. I know nothing about him, where he came from, what he did, what his significance is. He’s always been there.
It used to be as a child, I would see him away from me as if he were waiting. As I got older he would appear closer and would turn towards me. In my 20’s he started walking towards me. Today he seems the closest he has ever been to me as I saw him towering in that alley. It made me happy and filled my heart to see him again even knowing how much grief he brings. He was always there when I was alone. I like to be alone more than I like to be with people, funny that, since I really am an outgoing and social person. I feel I do better alone and when he is there I do not feel alone, I feel I always have someone then…when he is there.
I would like to know who he is though, I have no memory of it nor can I divine him or channel him. I can only see him and gauge my instant intuition. He gives me feelings and when he shows up I know what to do with them. Most of my life I am backed up and way from emotion. Not because they all hurt… I just have problems functioning. Hypersensitive is not the word when I am flooded by emotions. Highly active in a metaphysical sense is an understatement. However that sounds, conceited maybe…I’ve been called worse.
When things happen to you and for you with consistency throughout your entire life, since very small and those occurrences are something you cannot cast away as entirely something else, when they happen over and over and the thread is the same…one cannot deny those things.
Magi Goes To Church Part II
As the words “my cup runneth over” were uttered by the congregation, the presence that I felt intensified and it seemed as if the building moved, I looked up toward the ceiling, it seemed to be shaking. Three other people, I found, were looking up. One was the female singer, one was the female minister, and one was a man that I did not know.
Then the Apostles’ Creed was spoken. While the words, “…the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting” came…as soon as the word resurrection was uttered I felt lit up. That is, I felt all at once light and heavy, powerful and weak. I looked up and the female minister was looking at me and she nodded. I closed my eyes again and stayed there, working on simply becoming more aware. Children were starting to cry and I sent words to them in my head to help them, so they may listen to the words and remember that they will see their grandfather again every day in every thing there is on this Earth, for he has passed into immortality that while we may not always see into, we shall always feel and see the manifest of our loves greatness in everything we touch.
The obituary came and the time of sharing. One of Frank’s daughters got up. On a personal note this daughter is about late 40’s mid 50’s, she did not always have a good relationship with the family…and while she is firmly within her own reality, some of which I agree with, some of it that seems a bit of fantasy or misunderstanding, I have in my mind there is a bit of divine inspiration that touches her. Among the pains she released today was a wide spectrum of love, however laced with distrust. She spoke of the last words of her father. Which were, “Even though I am going, there is still a war to fight” She announced to the room that she had placed an angel with her father and is firm in her belief that he will be waiting for her and his family in the House of The Father. Some of the things she said were inspiring; some of the things she said were sad and uncomfortable.
Then the man who had looked up when the trembling was happening got up. I still do not know who he is/was. Some of the things he said could have been said of my father and probably many other fathers. His voice boomed out like that of a leader and another all-knowing and loving father. I was impressed and humbled to have heard his words.
Another special song of Franks’s came and the gospel lesson of St. John. As it was read I was reminded of my own father and of myself. Trust in me, I will not leave you, though you may not see me, I will be there, let everything you see tell you that this is true, I will not leave you orphaned, I will not leave you alone, do not be afraid.
As the last hymn was being sung, I stood with the others to sing. As I sang I felt my body moving. There is something similar that happens when I meditate and ground…when I ground with the earth there is a moment of shaking or motion until it is all stabilized and then I move to another grounding point. As I stood there holding the book and singing and this intense motion seemed to take place, I looked up at one point and I must have really been moving since people were looking up at me….and I mean really looking at me.
Often I wonder… how many people out in the world are like me or would be like me or have been like me… I wonder how many people out there that think my experiences and accounts of what happens to me and with me. The ones that refuse to believe or dare not; I wonder how many of them even are aware of what is around them, these things could be happening to them as well…they just do not notice. Too busy doing the things they are told to do, busy doing what is expected, busy living by standards that possibly are not their own instead of living the life they were born to live; or at the very least seeing if there was something else for them in their life.
Perfect husband, the perfect wife, two children and a dog…a house, a boat, a car, taxes, bills, arguing about bills and feeling and who is going to do the dishes next. And when they are faced with death they say why me, why him, why her…why so soon, why can’t I keep living, what did I do that was so bad to take my life away. They wonder. And they die anyway. You will die anyway. You will die if you have love, you will die if you are alone, you will die if you are famous, as you will if you are poor, you will die if you live off the charity of others, as soon as you will die with rooms of riches – all men may not have been created equal but they will all die equally, they will all die assuredly and without reservation.
Death: the ultimate equalizer.
Magi Goes To Church Part I
Magi Goes To Church 4/17/07
I will refrain from putting my past history with churches in general and The Church specifically. It would take up too much room. I love churches. I like being in them. I especially like being in them when the minister or priest has an excellent voice. Anyways….that all will be for another day.
Currently… and for the past 11 years or so I am only in a church when there is a funeral. The amount of funerals I attend is somewhat high, although I am sure there are others that must attend more and I am not alone in this regard. Today I was in the “Federated Church” I have only been in that church one other time. It is small and quaint with several very old paintings and prints on the walls. It is a humble and sturdy place of worship for those that are moved to do so.
I did not know most of the people there. Some of my family and the close family of the deceased were there but the extended family, friends and others I did not know. Except the funeral directors of course….I know them very well. I am writing this because…well … because I think what happened to me today is important….maybe only to me, I’m not sure…but I feel I should write. I am not a follower of any religion; however, I do have my past history with Christianity and Catholicism; though it seems generally on a whole different level than the majority of people I talk to.
As I walked inside I met a woman in robes, she had been Frank’s, the departed, minister there for a good amount of time and had come back for this day, but at the time I did not know that. I had not met her before. This was the first curious thing that happened to me, as I took the last step inside she was there and smiled. I smiled back and she took my hand and the first words she said were, “Oh, I’m glad you made it.” So I figured you know…these are the things she says to people. There were a lot of people packed in that place and not many places to sit. Being that I was there for the widow and her grandchildren and they had already a place all together, I was looking around for a good spot. The minister lady touched my arm and told me she saved a spot for me and indicated to where it was dead center of the room. I thought that was odd…but it was the only place left at the time. Julie must have told her I would be coming.
As I sat there, taking the place in, I felt that old familiar feeling come over me. The quiet feeling, the one that somewhat lulls you into relaxation, as if you are being cradled and soothed. The minister shortly got up after the gathering music came to a soft end. He was an average man, a bit rotund, and not to be rude but when he first started speaking the opening prayer I was a bit disappointed. He had a distinct femininity in his voice, it seemed. Not that this is bad, it is just not what I expected.
Throughout the opening hymn, and the scripture, the Word of Grace, the greetings and the first prayer I meditated as usual. Though I did have my eyes closed. They had a woman sing a special song, one of many Frank had picked for his day. I watched her as she sang, I have never seen her before and she seemed quite angelic up there in the front and also seemed she was holding back, probably due to the size of the room. She was a small lady, petite, but I have a feeling her voice could fill an auditorium regardless of any type of sound equipment.
As I listened to the readings of Isaiah and Revelations I also meditated, in my way, upon the words and when it came for everyone in the room to read Psalm 23, I felt I was drifting away. There seemed to be a lot of male voices, more than what were actually present. I must remember that the men here, mostly farmers and in general tough men have large booming voices and those that have good faith generally tend to carry you away with their words when in an emotional time.
I heard (and was also saying) the words, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” I opened my eyes. The next words, “I will fear no evil” came and I felt a distinct presence that seemed to fill the entire building. I looked forward to the tapestries on the wall in front of me, as the Psalm was read I started seeing patterns in that tapestry. It was of three stalks of wheat and a bunch of grapes. There were thirteen grapes. Triangles and circles seemingly jumped out at me everywhere. I looked into that bunch of grapes, shaped as a triangle, I saw triangles within it and of course the circles and the circles showed me a pattern and I started thinking about the Tree of Life. The thought came that I wondered which circle I was, where in the tree was I at, where do I go, where do I fit.
Psychic Partner Want
That was what the BBS ad said, “Psychic Partner Want”. I forget now all that was said but to get to the point, it was posted back in hmmm ‘94(?) I think and was an experiment in psychic type practices. Little did I know then what I was about to experience, it is still very difficult to put into words even after all these years of analyzing what took place. Technically what took place and what happened to me are two different things.
At the time I was just learning how to properly meditate and used those tecniques when we were to “link our minds”. I do not remember anymore what happened on the other end (His end)… but I do remember what happened on mine. He was in Hawaii and I was in Wisconsin. We had never met except for that posting and a telephone call or two. I remember laying on my futon with a huge chunk of amethyst crystals on my chest.
In theory I was using the crystal to help the vibration of my energy and to help me keep in a calm and harmonious state of mind. I still cannot put into words what I experienced at the time of the connection so the point of this article is not to prove or disprove what happened at the time…just what happened as a result of the meditation. The results were, simply, that it changed my life. It changed my view about life, energy, the Universe. Made me see things more clearly. Some of these things I did not want to see. I spent a large part of my life running away from my life and those that would want to help me and see me become something great. Soon after I started having horrible experiences when I slept. They, too are hard to put into words but I would write them down in a book when it happened.
This triggered several bouts of insomnia and for about three months I did not sleep but a few hours every few days. Then my mother started telling me about experiences with my father…he was having “episodes” while he slept. Small strokes. They seemed to coincide with my sleeping episodes to an alarming degree. My father had already had one large stroke. I had taken a trip to look at a college in Kentucky. It was beautiful. On the last night I had one of the worst of these night episodes and woke up after my flight had already taken off. I was hanging onto the mattress like I was being ripped away from it. Every muscle in my body hurt. It was awful. I called my mother to tell her I missed my plane and for advice on how to get on a new flight. My father had died that night while I was having my worst sleep episode. It’s funny how things change you. I never had the connection with my father before the psychic meditations and I can’t say that I enjoy the painful episodes I had and still have.
For a while it scared me and I wanted nothing to do with psychic or otherwise obscure meditations and practice. I disconnected myself with that world and those people. Now looking back on it…my personal journey has led me full circle again. I scared myself with my own energies and abilities and due to several life changing moments I came back through my own energies and abilities to the people that opened them up in the first place. No matter how much you run….you can never run away from yourself. Out of all the people in my life the ones who have inspired the most change/realization in me are my mother, my father and William Mistele.
Bill would say, I am sure, if you asked him that he taught me nothing. And it is true that from what I remember about our conversations, he was never an “instructor”. He just happened to unknowingly give me pieces to my puzzle I had been looking for. Though, when I found them, I ran away. I’m done running now. I “get it” and continue journeying for more understanding. And here I will share a writing of mine that came about long ago after a meditation…a short story/poem if you will:
The Zephyr He says he is like a zephyr, flitting here and there.
He says he is like a pebble churning in the sand.
He says he is like a bubble floating upon the sea.
He says he is someone that is exactly who is me.
Asking for his name, I hope for a hint, a sign..he replies….
It is I that you see when you see who is me.
I am what you are and you are me.
I am the water in the sea.
I am a tree.
I am the flame that lights your soul, The wind that carries your heart.
I am what is and what will be.
You are me and I am you.
In the Great Voyage we are together but only as one.
Come dance with me.
Come dance with me in the moolit glow on top of the waves and through the air.
Come dance with me to the sun as she rises from her slumber.
Come dance with me in my loving embrace and feel as I feel.
The things that you feel are mine and yours alone; as we are together we are one.
Come dance with me and I will show you my peace and tell you the secrets I hold.
Remember when we were once together.
Remember how we were.
We can be again and you will remember me as I know you.
I have come back to you as I said I would, we are together again.
Remember that I am the one that left you behind.
The one you love, the one you knew but could never remember.
Like I said, I wrote the above after a meditation. It is extremely significant to me first of all because of the way it came to me, the way I wrote it and then eventually who it is actually about. It came to me after a meditation about my father. I wrote it on the computer after clearing my mind and just letting the words come out. I was not technically thinking with my conscious mind when I wrote that….it all came out of my subconscious. For a long time I had no idea who it was about…I thought for a while it was about Bill…then I thought for a while it was about just myself….higher consciousness showing itself…but no… it was about my father.
